The Eye of Argon
“…one of the genre’s most beloved pieces of appalling prose…”1
I was only introduced to this fantasy novella a year or so ago by a good friend and fellow roleplayer. He was surprised I hadn’t heard of it, and frankly, I felt both sad it had taken me so long to come across this geekdom standard, and healthy in that way geeks feel when they say, “At least I’m not THAT geeky”.
Published in 1970 in the OSFAN, the journal of the Ozark Science Fiction Society, by a then 16 year old Jim Theis, The Eye of Argon has been ridiculed since the year of my birth—the story is only a few months older than me! It was a viral sensation almost 20 years before we could check our email. It was taken to all sorts of SCIFI and Fantasy conventions and made into a game—read this until you laugh out loud, then pass it on to the next person. Few people made it through a sentence, a brave few profess to making it through several paragraphs until a they hit a line like, “’His trust found him with a dagger thrust his ribs,’ the wench stated whimsicoracally.” I couldn’t get through typing the word ‘whimsicoracally’ without grinning from ear to ear.
The story follows the adventures of the red-headed barbarian Grignr the Ecordian (some pronounce it Grignor, I hear Grigner—and yes,he’s an Ecordian). Rife with hilarious malapropisms, grammatical nightmares, and wackadoo punctuation, The Eye of Argon is funny as all hell. From “sprinkling the parched dust with crimson drops of escaping life fluid” to Grignr’s “piecing battle cry of his wilderness bred race [that] resounded from his grinding lungs”2, Theis out Conans Conan(the barbarian, not the talk-show host) at every turn, with drink, women and bloodshed. It is certainly a good laugh.
But since the release of my book, which happens to be in the same genre, my mind keeps 
coming back to The Eye of Argon, specifically at the times when my self-confidence is at its lowest; but not how you think (unless you’ve out-thought me… which is entirely possible). Sure, there are a few moments when I’m reading The Eye where I cringe, and say, “Wow, that there sounds an awful lot like page 32” or “Yeesh, I think I use that phrase… a lot”, but I also see Theis as an inspirational cautionary tale.
In an interview shortly after the story appeared in the OSFAN journal, Theis said,” it is nothing to be proud of and yet it is. Because how many people have had their first story published at 16-even if it is in a fanzine or club-zine? How many professional writers have written a complete story at so early an age?”3
The inspirational: To the best of his ability, Jim Theis finished a novella. He loved the genre and his idea enough that he put pen to paper and wrote to a “The End”, and while still a teenager, told the interview that he would keep writing. When asked when their readers could expect a new contribution, he said, “Whenever they want one!”4 The confidence and pride of a 16 year old, sure, but I want that confidence, dammit.
The cautionary: Later in life, Theis said he was so hurt by the fact that people made fun of his story that he would never write again. What a horror. Writing is so personal; you are what you put on the page—to have the knowledge that something you took so seriously is knocked about and ridiculed has got to be a tough cross to bear. Jim Theis died in 2008 and the age of 48. He got to see his story go viral again online. I don’t know how hurt he was by it all, but I hurt for him.
Reading my first draft of Plague Seed, I cringed a great deal, but I fought to better my writing, my syntax, my style; I’m still years away from where I’d like to be, but I am miles ahead from where I began. I am proud of my accomplishments; but I have also been thus far spared a great deal of criticism. I did get a review of my book of short stories (also self-published) that wasn’t particularly flattering. I got three stars on Amazon (I think he did that in error, as he gave me only two on GoodReads; far be it from me to correct him); he called my short stories a collection of B-sides. It was hard to hear that they were not instantly loved, but I also knew that each of them could have used a bit more love (and an editor… yeesh).
About 400 people have my novel in one form or another—that’s been the case for about a week. So far, it’s gotten some gentle praise, but I am waiting for that one 1 star review, the one that lays it all out with diagrams charting how my book is derivative of this, and devoid of substance (obviously given too much thought to that…).
But I have decided, in honor of Jim Theis, and The Eye of Argon, to never stop writing, to weather a storm of 1 stars, and more importantly, to always improve for myself and my readers, not for the bullies and naysayers.
That being said, please review my book if you get the chance.
The only way to grow is to make mistakes, so if you see any, let me know so I can grow!
In honor of Jim Theis, I read part 1 of The Eye of Argon, as I interpret his heart meant it to be–The Eye of Argon – the Remix. I hope you enjoy it.
Thanks to Charles “Ooge” Ugas for the pics!
1. Langford, David. “Bottom of the Barrel”. SFX Magazine. http://www.ansible.co.uk/sfx/sfx043.html. 2013-02-22.
2. Theis, Jim. The Eye of Argon. http://ansible.co.uk/misc/eyeargon.html . 2013-02-22.
3, 4. TRANSCRIPT: The Author of “Eye of Argon” Interviewed. https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!msg/rec.arts.sf.written/dU-Vbo9OPZc/pCc8uFQR7MUJ. 2013-02-22.
steel(e) this blog 